I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
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