The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
