hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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