from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
