trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
