he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Randomize
