I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Please don't give away my fajitas
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
