Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Ladies don't puke and tell
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
