Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
