I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
