Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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