I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I wish life had little blips of pornography
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
