You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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