If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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