god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
