i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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