someone owes me an orgasm
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
