Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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