The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
