i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
