What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
