The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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