Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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