i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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