just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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