I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize