to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
