I think I won the penis lottery.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
