did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
