my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
This toilet bowl is my home.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize