A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
