I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Watching her eat just hurts me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
