I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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