I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We need to get me chipped asap
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
