dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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