You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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