i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
