1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
