She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
