i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
