I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
