My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
