I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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