It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
