my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
