Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Randomize
