Your face is a jimmy john
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
