If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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