All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I have aggressive nipples.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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