You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I am one with the molecules
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
