I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
