I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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