if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
