Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
