smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
how drunk are you?
Several
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
