Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
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