Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
