so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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