hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
