I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
