I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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